Letting Go of Bigger Things

In my last post, I wrote about having to sell my truck, which ultimately meant having to let go.  This week, I have faced letting go of something less tangible. Since moving here, I have been attending the same church that I attended the last time that we lived in this area.  Because of our special circumstances, I contacted a church friend explaining that we really needed to be a part of their outreach because of Tiffany's chronic pain, her being pregnant, being with four children while I remained in New Mexico to work.  Sadly nothing ever came of it.  The weekends that I was home, I would take the children to church by myself.  Now, taking four children anywhere by myself is a certain challenge and church is by no means different.  The part of my experience that stands out is that because the church had grown immensely, there was three services on Sunday, which meant that the time between services was little and the bustle between services is well choreographed.  If I started dropping children off at their classes at same time the classrooms first allowed dropoff, I could just barely finish in time for service.  Ultimately there was no spare moment for meeting people or fellowship.
Being a broken individual is awkward enough as is.  There's a multiple layer of self protective devices in play, so to go to church and be in an atmosphere where the broken individual must go out of their way to initiate conversation isn't a successful formula.  Is there no one that has an eye for these things?  If one has to spell out the hurt they are in to garnish empathy, doesn't that tarnish the sincerity?  I think so.  But to yearn to be connected, take the effort to be in a gathering of fellow believers, and then not connect-that is demoralizing.
The kicker is that I have engaged in conversation with church staff over the following year and I have hoped that I had come up in a prayer request or be mentioned amongst staff members in some fashion.  You see, I know one of the focal points of this church to be family and marriage.  They even have marriage mentors.  Maybe my fallacy is in assuming that the family ministry is fully aware of conditions and life events that are sure fire red flags.  With a spouse having chronic pain, marriages have about a 75% fail rate.  Parents that endure an extended time of having children in the NICU, the fail rate is nearly 100%.  Statistically, my marriage has zero chance of survival.  I assume that would mean something to someone capable of identifying such things.  I would be glad to share a cup of coffee and discuss what has transpired in my life.  I have so much to be thankful for, I feel exceedingly blessed. Yes, I am downtrodden and broken, but the best medicine for that is fellowship.  I have sat and prayed with my wife for one family to connect with. For those that may be into numbers on effectiveness, or percent increase, it may be impressive to say that you've doubled, a 100% increase.  You can add thousands to weekly attendance, and you will always be able to calculate a percent increase.  But take someone who has nothing and fill that void, the increase is incalculable, it is infinite.  To be a friend to the friendless, to clothe the naked, to shelter the homeless, to feed the starving, love the unloved--to add any missing element is influencing without measure.

I traded emails with a former staff member and asked if I was wasting my time.  The response was an affirmation.  There were qualifiers, and rightly so. Basically, I am not getting the experience that I need to grow.  While that is is likely unintentional, it could be part of God's design, and to move on is the right decision.  

Letting Things Go

Friday was a tough day for me. Unemployment has lasted longer than I would have ever imagined and as such, we had gotten to the point where it was sell the truck or turn it in to creditors. As much as I really enjoyed having the truck, I won't miss it so much that letting go symbolizes defeat, not that I feel mired in defeat, but there was a stubborn hope that things would work out.  My wife and I agreed some time ago that since we have outgrown the truck, it wasn't practical to keep it.  I just wanted to let go on my own terms.  Fact is that my own terms may never have resulted in selling the truck.  Why is it that some of the simplest things to decide are so difficult to put into action?  If you think about it for example,Aron Ralston, who became trapped by a boulder while mountain climbing, if he had more efficiently eliminated all of the dead end solutions, the movie would be called 12.7 Hours. 

In actuality, I have known a lot of turmoil in my life since purchasing that truck.  I was let go of my job one week following the purchase.  We lost a niece the following Spring by being shaken to death.  Tiffany has been hit hard by Fibromyalgia.  We had two difficult pregnancies in which all of the children spent time in the NICU.  We lost Ethan.  Work has been unsteady, in which I have been an absentee father for much of the time to stay employed.  Just in general, it has been a period of time where we have been hit with things that make the strongest of people stumble and have to get back up. 

I question whether obedience comes into play, because the purchase was unnecessary.  It was a spontaneous decision, which of course we crafted necessity unnecessarily.  God wants us to be fiscally responsible, and the truck was a cash cow especially considering that we traded a vehicle that was nearly paid in full, but would all of the crap that we have gone through be a reprimand? It would seem to be a costly lesson.